findingtheshadow

Self Portrait (Narrator) – Character Sketch (1)

March 20, 2020August 28, 2020 findingtheshadowLeave a comment

A woman stares back from the mirror, though she’s not who I was expecting to see. Something in the pallor of her sun-starved skin and sunken eyes ages her in a way for which my heart was unprepared.

There’s familiarity in the slight crook of her nose, in the ears that are too large for her face. And while her eyes haven’t changed, there’s a deep sorrow that doesn’t exist in my memories. A haunted vacancy in her gaze. A disappointed resignation.

With a slight rush, I search for something I can’t name, for something more than unchanged eyes, a familiar nose. Where is her hunger? The passion for life that I can so clearly recall?All I see is unmasked defeat, a pleading, in the way she stares back at me.

A gaze that says, “please, bring me back to life.”

I feel it set in, the same resignation so painted on her face. It is a mirror, after all. My body begins to feel its weight, though my heart carries the burden most. Who is this woman before me? She’s not one I know. I cast my gaze away and leave her behind with a soft click of the light.

Breathe, then write.

March 19, 2020October 2, 2021 findingtheshadowLeave a comment

Eight weeks ago, I took a leave of absence from work. My mind had become a toxic plane of brittled confidence, heavy depression, and debilitating anxiety. I was overwhelmed and overworked, a condition I’ve both lived with and was pushed to by the job I was at. It was like I was holding my breath to survive in a world without oxygen. Pained and dizzy and with my lungs at their limit, I knew I was in trouble because I’ve been here before.

So I hit pause, and I began to write. Everything and anything, though often nothing. I want to create beauty from pain, even if that pain gets in the way now and again. I will write of hope, and love. Love so pure that we begin to believe in accepting ourselves. At least, this is what I will aspire to. I will dream of a day when my character sketches, scene descriptions, and moments of tenderness come together to form a book that can be touched by both the hand and heart of readers who need it.

For now, I’ll hold tightly to this dream and the feeling that writing brings me. It’s teaching me to breathe again, as if the pages are my oxygen.

Dear Future Self:

March 7, 2016February 4, 2020 findingtheshadowLeave a comment

I don’t care if you’re reading this ten years from now, or ten minutes from now. Maybe you’re having a fantastic day and a little trip down memory lane just seemed appropriate. Maybe today is one less bearable and the world has all but swallowed you whole, as it does like to do, with no intention of allowing any light to ever reach you. You know so well that I understand how that feels. You know I’ve felt as lost and alone and frightened as maybe you’re feeling right now, however far into the future you may live. So no matter what the case, here are the things you should always remember.

These are the things that you just don’t hear often enough, and I’m here to make sure that you never forget everything you deserve to know.

So, dearest future self:

You are one hell of an incredible human being. Oh, you are strong and you are brave. We both know that you’ve been nothing but strong and brave for such a very long time. I know things can get heavy all too often, but you amaze people (and yourself) with how well you can shoulder the burden and power through. It might have taken time to get here but somehow you have come out smiling and goofy and true to everything that makes you so wonderfully you. You are beautifully human, and humanity is more beautiful for having known you.

You are charming, and witty, and you’ve begun to discover that the people you meet feel comfortable around you because of this ability you have to welcome them home. You’re really great at that, you know. Your laughter and your words, the way you speak with your movements… you create this space where people can relax and just be themselves. There’s never any pressure, because there’s never any judgement. When it comes to the people in your life, you hope they know as well as you do that you will always be there for them. Kudos to you, future me. You’re pretty damn cool.

You are generous, sincere, and so kind. You give more than you get, and despite that you recognize this fact yourself it never once has deterred you. You and I… we continue to give, because what we have to give to the world is the greatest gift of all, even if no one else realizes it yet. But it’s okay, because what you give them is something that maybe can’t be fully appreciated in the “now.” That’s kind of special though, because what you give them will live on in their memories. We can live with that, because it’s pretty great.

Future Self:

You deserve to be loved in every conceivable way that a human being can be loved. Your flaws, your talents, your strengths, and your weaknesses– everything you are deserves recognition. Yes, being loved “in every conceivable way that human being can be loved” includes being loved by that special someone, and by your family and friends, but most importantly it means being loved by yourself.

Dear Future Self:

Be unapologetically you. Sing when you’re happy and you just can’t help it. Dance when you simply can’t contain yourself. Cry when you feel emotional, and scream when pent up frustrations really need to boil over. Dream bigger than you can imagine, and dare yourself to only go further. But most of all, love fully and shamelessly as you do so well. Love who you want, when you want, and never apologize to someone for loving them. Anyone would be lucky to be loved by you, even if it was as fleeting as the flicker of a light. Never apologize for it, ever.

Especially never apologize for fully and shamelessly loving yourself because if anyone ever lived who so deserved to be loved, it is you. Maybe it doesn’t always feel like it, but I promise I will always love you.

Sincerely,

You.